crazycrazy

so the ex finally admitted to me, the reason he doesn't want to catch up as friends, is as he's not fully over me yet, and is scared we'd end up back together just cause we're lonely.

I being me, wrote a whole bunch of stuff back to him... after praying about it. My advice from his friend, and my great friend (old almost bf) was pretend like you don't want him, guys want what they can't have. I didn't take his advice, I can't play hard to get, I'm not a game player, and if for that I lose someone, then it wasn't meant to be.

I'm praying that he will reply at some stage, in the meantime I'm not going to say anything more to him... I've said done everything I could possibly ever do. I will keep on praying for him, and keep on praying for God's will in both of our lives, whether that is for us to be together or not.

Crazy. Life is crazy. God is good.

ps. he totally drove past me on my run tonight, then parked down a side street, a bit later, i ran past his car... pretending not to notice it... twice :S

today:

I had one of those days... last night we had all the teachers we enjoy hanging out with over for dinner... half at the restaurant across the road, followed by dessert at our house.

I went to bed feeling so tired i felt sick, i woke up, still feeling sick in my stomach. Downed some inner health plus with coca cola (maybe that was a big part of my problem?... I don't normally drink coke, but i'm trying to ween myself off sugar, so letting myself temporarily drink diet drinks...)

Anyway, just felt rubbish all day... a kid must of glanced in the window as I was typing up a work sheet in my free period, he walked on into my room and said, Miss you look sad, eat chocolate and offered me some! Once he left I got teary, I didn't feel sad before that.

I feel as low as I do when I have PMS... But that shouldn't be for another couple weeks, so it's random.
The ex- has decided he will see me, after randomly fb chatting to me. Strange one. I don't even care right now.

Loved him so much, still love his family, not sure right now If i love him, or if i even want to be friends with him... but hey I'll see him and see where things go or don't go...

Life goes on, and all that jazz.

Prayers And off to bed I go.

ps. I'm thankful for health, my family, my amazing best friends who I can tell about anything. I'm thankful for a past ex-boyfriend who strangely enough I have a much closer relationship with now... I would trust that dude with my life. Literally. Theres not many people I can say that about. I would have never thought I'd end up appreciating his friendship so much. I thought I wanted him out of my life forever when he dumped me... God has a plan for everything and can take my mess and use it to bless.

It makes me so mad. Ex-bf. basically if i initiate contact, he doesnt reply, but then sometimes he will initiate contact. Just decide , be in my life- or not.

I believe that God never takes something good from you without giving you something better in sometime....

I can see how a few good things have come out of this so far... Like being able to be friends with my old ex- because i met this one. Like getting refocussed on God. I read this question today: would you give up sabbath for your dream job? My immediate thought was no way, its just a job... Then i realised love is a far bigger temptation to me. Would i give up the sabbath to be in love and in a relationship with ______? That is harder dor me. I want to think i wont, and i'm learning to follow Gid more. THough i dont know what my future holds, i know who holds my future!

ps. i forgot to thank all my BFF's and great friends.

To the BFFs Dana, Brit, Ted, you guys rock. Life without you would be shiz. not the shiz. just shiz.
To the others that fill my life with Joy, Rhi and the K-hole crew, you guys make school fun. Rock on.

That is all. I'm going to go stuff my face with food, and overload on water while I can for the next 55minutes till the fasting begins.

PreSurg Farewells

Surgery tomorrow. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I always am a freak and want to write my ‘goodbyes’ and ‘I love you’s’ to everyone I care for, just in case.

So here they are. To my family, You guys are the best ever seriously. I love how you’ll drive to save me so I’m not alone for my surgery, how you’ll try to spend your money to look after me, even though I now have plenty of money of my own. I am so glad for you guys. For your craziness, your loyalty, our fierce family bond. Watch out world, pick on one of us, the rest of us will deck you… or at least smash you against the basketball fence (yeah, I know that was totally me, but I know you guys would do it for me too ;) I am so thankful that I can be my absolute loser self around you guys, force you to listen to my lame music,  and hear my lame jokes, and watch me laugh (by myself, at my own jokes!) till I cry and you guys will pretend not to find me funny, but secretly, I know you do!

To the most recent Man in my life. Ek mis jou. But Life goes on! God has a plan. 

To my God, my creator, my saviour, my comfort and my hope. Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks that your love for me is constant, and that you forgive me, and that you hear me when I call. Thanks for using circumstances in my life to draw me closer to you. Thanks for knowing the desires of my heart, and wanting what is best for me.

This is what I bequeath:

To mum: my health magazines, my pinterest account, all of my exercise equipment, nike runners, my rings.

To dad: my bible, my Christian books, my tech junk

To my sis: my make-up, jewelry and whatever clothes of mine, you would actually be okay being seen in public in.  You can have my savings, don’t waste it all on your wedding okay!
To my bro: baked beans. Since that’s all you ever gave me for Christmas. Jerk ;-P nah you can have my fridge so you don’t have to leave your room to get food, so you can 100% be a hermit hahahah. (oh yeah, you can also have my astra too, I think you’d look mad as doing maineys in moronfield in it).

It's been a while...

I haven't written on here in forever... missed the best part of my life... the dude I met the last time I wrote, I ended up absolutely and completely falling for. We had a few good months together, went on a trip overseas- met his family, which I loved. Had our first few fights...

Ended up breaking up. I miss him a lot. I think we've been broken up about as long as we were together now. Good has came from it though, I ran back to God to piece me back together, and if nothing else good comes from it, I think that is enough, I want to only get closer to God from here.

Like usual, I can't let go. I don't give up on my relationships and I want to fix it. I prayed the other day, ... I was considering just cutting my ex-out of my life completely as it hurts so much, it would be easier to pretend he doesn't exist. But I don't like to roll like that, once a friend/boyfriend of mine, always a friend of mine. I won't let go. I won't give up. You will always have a special place in my heart. And that leaves me vulnerable. very vulnerable. I believe God made me this way for a reason. Ridiculously loyal, and I trust that my hurt will be worth it one day. Anyway, I was praying about this, and asked for a specific sign if this sign didn't happen, then I was going to cut him out, if this did happen (it was unlikely to happen) I'm meant to keep him in my life. The sign happened. I balled my eyes out.

I've prayed for another sign, a sign as to whether we're only meant to be friends, or if God wants us to be more than that again, in His time, and in His way. I'm really scared that I won't get the sign, and that God's answer will be a resounding, "No! it is not in my plans for you" so I'm scared to ask. But I know that God has a plan for my life, and that it's better than I can hope or dream or imagine, plans to give me a bright future and hope. So even if the answer is "NO!!!!" I know I will be okay, I'll be better than okay, because God has something better for me then.

God knows my heart, he knows the desires of my heart, and he also knows what is best for me and what trials the future holds. He knows that other than my desire to serve and love Him with all my life, my next greatest desire is to Love and live life with this ex. And maybe it's sad and pathetic of me, to not let go... and this is why I am asking for my sign...

"Dear Lord, thank-you for making me. saving me. loving me. Thank-you for all that you've done for me. Thank-you for health, and my incredible family. my job, and my amazing supportive boss. Thank-you for the friends you've blessed my life with. Thank-you for the love you've blessed my heart with. Thank-you for the joy XX brought to my life. Thank-you for blessing me with his love and support at a time in my life when I needed it so much. You know the secret desires of my heart, you know my sins, you know my hopes and dreams. You see my tears. I believe that you can do the impossible. I know that you love me, and that you've worth me, and that you are faithful. I will wait for you Lord. I want to desire the things you want for my life. Most of all I want to desire a closer relationship with you. Please be with XX give him direction, hope, meaning and purpose in life. Please guide him closer and closer to you. Please draw me closer to you always too. May we search for you with all our hearts, and serve you with all our might. If it is your will, please answer my prayer, and give me a sign that he and I will one day be together again, I believe you made me meet him for a reason, maybe that reason has already happened, and I don't fully know it, or maybe it's because you want us to be together. Whatever happens, Lord I trust you with my life, and I thank-you for making me realise my need for you in my life. Please be with me over the next few days. If I haven't seen the sign by friday, I will know that you do not want him and I to be together. Oh God!!! I want it so bad. But I want to be with you more, and so if being with him will affect my relationship with you, then I don't want to be with him. If possible though, I want both. Thank-you Jesus for dying for me, for forgiving me, for hearing my prayers,  for caring about the drama's in my life and my broken heart. Please send me my sign, if it is your will.

Love, me.