Love, Holidays, Friends, Blah Blah Blah.

It's been a while since I've blabbed my thoughts to "the world" one here... My life has been a weird mix of busy and completely lazy. Holidays. Either I'm out having fun with my home friends, or home, completely bored... thinkinging deepley about nothing and everything.

I read this quote on another of my friends facebooks today.

"A guy and a girl can be 'just friends', but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever"

 Interesting quote. I guess it's true. All of my good guy friends, either one or both of us have liked the other. Often not at the same time, often not admitted to each other, and sometimes it was disastrous. I'm sure there are also times when it leads to the best relationships ever though. 

So that is my rant... and it all comes down to my usual question...


Brain Vs. Heart.

Cleanin' Out My Closet

I think hoarding is disgusting. I cannot understand it. I think sentimentality and keeping stuff in-case you one-day need it, is annoying. I absolutely HATE clutter and mess. I don't collect anything. I don't buy souvenirs overseas because generally they're a waste of money and just sit and do nothing. 

Yet since I was 10. I have kept certain things. They have moved with me. My boxes of memories. My filing system of my life.

There was a shoe box full of things to do with the schools I went to. From my "Vice Captain" and "Bus monitor" badges from year 6 to my school magazines, signed school shirts.... I even had the lyrics to one of our school songs written down in the box (It was hilarious, walking into my sisters room and starting to sing it opera style as we used to... )

Just a few, bound for the bin

Nelson College for girls Alumni, Sing along with me now... "We give thanks for, the life of our college, we give thanks for the pursuit of knowledge ... thanks for those who, have gone before us, rally rally was their chorus, bold young women, quiet undaunted building pathways for us to tread!" Okay, so that's all I can remember now... other than the latin, but who wants to sing that anyway!

I had a box of photos of everything, from my favourite trees, a photo of where my dog used to sleep before she died. I had a box of pathfinder memories. Camporees. Expeditions. Kayaking expedition 2002 NZ. I even kept the map, obviously that's necessary as I would totally want to freeze my butt off an kayak that far again!


Each of my ex-boyfriends has his own shoe box, inside where letters from him, any presents he gave me, photos etc.


I had at least 17 shoe boxes full of rubbish really. Much of it, I didnt even look at. Just threw it in the bin. Some was really quite interesting. I was able to look back through stuff and see when I first met people.


My best friend Daniela and I have known for a couple years that we both were on the kayaking teen expedition in NZ but we weren't sure if we knew each other. I had a vague recollection but I wasn't sure if it was an actual memory or my imagination. I discovered by looking through my expedition book that yes we did know each other!

I now have 5 shoe boxes in my cupboard. One containing, the photos that survived the cut. Two containing the cooler stuff from my most recent boyfriends (although I did throw out his self portrait, and his photography work he left at my house when he went home to the states as it was too big and useless). Can't remember what's in the other two. Important documents or something. 

Cleaning out all this stuff, started me thinking. Why did I keep it all. It's not exactly a normal thing to do. After a little thinking about it was kind of obvious. Each part of my life, I've kept separate. Safe in it's box. I move to a new place, but I keep all the reminders of it with me. Each happy memory I have in a sense clung to. I've had a certain attachment to the past.


Now it's all gone. I watched as the rubbish truck took away the painting of the ex. and a few of the shoe boxes (the others had to wait until the bin was emptied before they could find their new temporary dwelling place). I felt, slightly sad to let it go. But I feel more free. The top of my cupboard has empty space for once! 


I think that getting rid of these boxes has a greater meaning than that I need more cupboard space. I'm comfortable in who I am now, In God's hands. 


Something like that anyway...

Unanswered Prayers

I hate seeing peoples hearts break, and their faith being given a beating. I don't know what to say or do. Even though I've been there myself, I don't know how to help them through.

This song kept popping into my head when talking with a friend earlier, but I can't say it as I know that they are in the position I was, and would probably feel the same way as I once did.

My then boyfriend introduced me to this song, once we broke up, whenever it would play on my iPod I would skip it for a good 2 years afterwards. I Absolutely hated it! When you're so surrounded by rubbish in life. It's hard to see over the piles of junk. It's hard to believe that there is a world outside the rubbish dump that you are in. It's almost impossible. So that is why I hated this song, because I couldn't imagine it, I couldn't believe it,  even though some tiny part of me kind of thought it would one day be true.

Nowadays I can listen to it, I actually like it, Now I know it's true, and have been healed enough to believe it.

"Just the other night at a hometown football game

My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be

She was the one that I'd wanted for all times
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then
I'd never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That

Just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care.
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recal
lI guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the Good Lord
For the gifts in my life

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are too often unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

I was once asked why Can't God just fix it, make a relationship work... I'm sure our hearts have all cried this at some stage. We've all been mad at God and not been able to understand. This song expresses what we've felt.

My one disclaimer from the video, is that I really don't think that strength is how well you hide the pain. 

I think that telling people how you feel, and allowing yourself to feel it, deal with it, and slowly heal is strength. Not hiding it in shame and pretending it doesn't exist.

I Think God could make people love people, he could "fix it" but where it the free will, as the previous song lyrics say I think that God so often has a plan for us, he can see the big picture that we can't see.

It's cliché but happiness isn’t getting what you want, it's wanting what you got. 

God knows what He’s doing whether we understand it or not.

Reminder.

I get self absorbed sometimes.
Think about all the fun things I could be doing if I had money...
Travel...
Go see my Kiwi Friends, Go see my American Friends again. Go to Africa... Greece... Japan...

Go to more Rugby games... buy new heels and dresses and flash a bit of leg (separate events of course, I'm not the type of girl who would wear heels to the rugby! Heck no!).
Go on road trips for the sake of it, and have the money to not worry.

I could go on for ages...

But then I get a little reminder. Sometimes I'll see or hear something, and sometimes I just snap out of my egocentric coma... and realise there's a world around me. Far bigger than Australia. With far HUGER problems than not having the money to go see a friend who I miss.

People who so many of their friends, they can't see... not because they can't afford it, but because their friends couldn't afford health care, food, water, and their bodies finally gave up the fight.

And then I realise how Superficial I can be.
It's hard not to be. In this world I live in.

But that is not a good enough excuse to be superficial.

 

It's good to be reminded. But what am I going to do with it? Am I going to think about it, until It slips my mind and superficial me reigns again for sometime? Honestly, I don't know. Right now, I don't really have any money, I try to be as generous as I can with what I have, but still be able to pay for all of my bills. I'd like to think one day when I have more money, I'll be able to be more generous... But then I wonder if that'll be true. That would be an interesting study. Do people that earn more money, donate a higher percentage of their earnings to charity, than those who earn less money? Probably not...

Here's a little research I just did to satisfy my curiosity about the aforementioned question:

"The poorest Americans give above their capacity, donating more in comparison than the most well off upper fifth of society. Not only does this group of low-income Americans give more of their income to charity, but double the percentage of income that the richest individuals in the study do"  (link to article here)

  

 (Image Source: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2009/05/19/68456/americas-poor-are-its-most-generous.html)

I totally wasn't looking for this, but I'm delighted to discover it, in one of the three random articles google hand delievered when I typed in "do people who earn more money donate a greater percentage of their income to charity?"  I found a quote about an Adventist man. It makes me so happy when Christians are in the media for a good reason, as it often seems more likely that negative stories about christians make it into the mainstream media. 

" Herbert Smith, 31, a Seventh-day Adventist who said he tithed his $1,010 monthly disability check — giving away 10 percent of it — thought that poor people give more because, in some ways, they worry less about their money.
"We're not scared of poverty the way rich people are," he said. "We know how to get the lights back on when we can't pay the electric bill."

Read more: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2009/05/19/68456/americas-poor-are-its-most-generous.html#ixzz15KMiyRMx

What makes people give???
1.people who go to church are more likely to give than people who don't. They're more likely to give to secular charities as well, not just church based ones.

2. view of the government (this one makes no sense to me!?!)

3. couples and families give more, even if they may overall earn less, than single people. I think this one is pretty cool. The article suggests that the act of giving your time and your love etc. to someone else, makes you want to give more to others. (Link to Article)

So. 

Giving more, makes you want to give more... hmm...

I don't know where I'm going with this.

But I hope you found it interesting. 

I'm going to stop writing for now,

But I'm not going to stop thinking about it.

Peace

.x.

Too Much

I've always cared too much.

It's a difficult balance.

I care too much what people think of me,
I care too much about what I say, will I say the wrong thing, will they think I'm stupid?
If I do that, will people think that I think that...
Will they be offended?
Will they think I think I think I'm better than them.
Caring what others think of me, is probably the main reason why I'm shy/quiet until I trust someone.

But for now, I'm going to try not to care.
Life is so much more fun when I do the crazy things I want to, getting weird looks from passers by sometimes, such as today when I walked down college drive carrying a turtle... or when I do the things I think are awesome, even if I know that even my friends wont understand, Like laying in a paddock at 10pm, all by myself, just watching the lightning in the approaching storm clouds. This week I overcome many of these fears. I asked an old man if he wanted help carrying his bag, down college drive as he kept stopping to rest it on the ground... Normally, I'd think of this, and then chicken out after thinking, maybe he'd be insulted that a girl would offer? maybe he'd feel sad as I'm implying that he's too old and weak to carry his own stuff? But I did it, and asked him. He replied with, "No thank you, but thank you, it's just really hot so I stop to cool down" So I won that battle, Not permanently, I'm sure it'll always be a battle, but there is no victory without first a battle!

So I resolve not to care what others think of me, and to do what I believe to be right. The only one who I care what they think of me is Jesus...

Movember Me

To Whom it may concern,

It's that time of year again people: Movemeber. I really like it for a change. Guys getting a bit creative with their facial hair. I am glad that it only lasts for a month though!

Prostate cancer isn't really a cause I'm hugely passionate about, probably because I don't have a prostate... and none of my family or friends have had prostate cancer so it hasn't really touched my life.

Depression on the other hand has been a little more apparent in my life.  So many people feel like they can't share it with others, and I think that guys feel like they have to be the big tough man and not tell anyone how they feel and not ask for help. Half the money donated this month goes to each of these causes, I think it's a cause well worth supporting. And even though I don't have much money myself, I have supported with what I can.

I Possibly did an all nighter last night. At about 4am I noticed a whiteboard marker on my desk...
Strange things happen at 4am.

Two of my friends, Saia and Anthony Faingaa, are doing Movember with the rest of the Wallabies. So if you don't know someone doing Movember who you are already supporting, you should donate to Saia's team.
By Donating you'll a) most importantly help 2 great causes and  b) make the "Cat's Whiskers" Team beat the other half of the Wallabies who they are competing against in the competition to raise the most money for this worthy cause.

Saia Faingaa (Team Cat's Whiskers) http://au.movember.com/mospace/842670/
Anthony Faingaa (Team Cat's Whiskers) http://au.movember.com/mospace/841870/


Thanks a bunch.
Lets see what you've got.

Sincerely,
Movemeber me.

ebenezer

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop. With my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect"

Psalm 18: 28-32

Watch

watch as my heart breaks
watch as you tear me in two
watch as the tears stream down my face
what did we ever do to you?

watch as you let evil arise
watch as the loud silence the quiet
watch as you feed the obese; starving the malnourished
who is Jesus to you?

watch as you stab us
watch; make sure you do it right
watch as you twist it deeper
who is it for that you fight?

watch as our souls cry out
watch our silent agony
watch and see what you do, but remember:
we are God's family

watch as you lift him higher
watch as his tears stream down
watch as his face forgives you
look, see the thorns that pierce his brow

watch as he forgives you
watch as I try to too
watch, take a look in the mirror
walk back to Jesus, he's waiting for you.


Maybe this poem completely sucks. But when I'm emotional I write. I hope it makes some sort of sense.
Tomorrow, when I look at it with dry eyes, I may see it a bit more clearly.

Things that Break my Heart...

The biggest thing that breaks my heart, is seeing people hurting and not knowing how to heal them.

I see this in the mall... just walking from one shop to another and seeing some peoples faces full of incredible sadness.

Seeing some people sitting alone in the food court with their Chinese food or Macca's meals. Eating their loneliness.

Talking to old friends, hearing how they don't believe in God any more, and not knowing what to say.

Seeing people who think they are worthless purely because the are overweight.

Talking to old friends who are so obsessed with sex that it rules their lives, ruins their friendships and makes them feel like God, just like all their other "Christian" "Friends" has rejected them.

Seeing people who've been rejected by someone who doesn't even deserve them and then watching as they tell themselves that they're not even good enough for him. When they deserve so much more.

Watching as churches sometimes tear themselves apart. 

Seeing others who are so obsessed with their weight they sometimes don't eat for days at a time.

Seeing friends who constantly pray the same prayer asking for the one desire of their heart, and watching as that prayer isn't answered, seeing as they doubt God's existence instead of hearing his voice in the silently spoken "No, I have something better for you, just wait"

Watching as my school friends fill their lives with alcohol and parties.

Wondering what happened, what caused all of this, what can I do? If they don't know about Jesus how could I tell them without bible bashing them or making them feel awkward. What is even harder is for the ones that were Christians, how do you reach them when they already know about God? and even harder for the ones that are Christians, but who still feel worthless, or who begin to doubt the existence of God.

And these are some of the things that make me sad.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away"  Revelation 21:4

Wallets & Men

As I write this I'm sitting on a couch in the mall. Behind me is an escalator, in front: strand bags. The stand at the door to the store, directly in front of me is Women’s purses. They're actually really nice and 25% off. A couple caught my eye, but I'm just not really interested.

Why not, you may ask?

Because the perfect one already belongs to me. I looked for it for a long time. Finding it was such a mission! The thing is, I always know exactly what I want or at the very least, Exactly what I don't want. That's a bit of a problem just ‘cause I know what I want doesn't mean it's any easier to find. In actual fact I think it makes it harder.

Sometimes In the past I've bought a cheap wallet, as it was kind of like what I wanted. But after a while I'd start to hate it, or find another one which exhibited different qualities of my dream wallet and it would satisfy me for a little while.

I got to the point where I was sick of getting these wallets that were not what I wanted. What was the point of having something I didn’t want, just to have something?

And then I met my dream Wallet. I'd been telling my family what I was looking for, for a long time. I want a tan leather wallet, long and as thin as possible. I want it to have enough room for a few cards, a zip for coins and for it to fit nicely in the hand.

One day my lovely mother found it on sale in the factory outlet Oroton store.
It is absolutely and exactly what I've been looking for all this time. Thank goodness my mum found it for me as I never would have looked in the Oroton store (heck, we all know I’m too poor and cheapskate for that!)

 It was worth the wait. I kind of wish I hadn’t spend that $100 I probably spent all up buying the multiple dodgy wallets in an attempt to fill the space. But now the search is over. You other wallets aint got nothing on the one that's right here, cozy in my hand.

And this is where I’m at with guys too… I know what I want, at the very least I know exactly what I don’t want. I’ve settled for a few that I knew weren’t quite what I wanted. But I’m over that now. I have not found the ‘perfect’ one yet.  But I can’t be bothered settling for less anymore.  When window shopping many guys still catch my eye.  But I don’t want to look back later on once I’ve finally met the one that meets all my needs and think just like with all my purses, “man I wasted so much of my time on all those wrong guys, wish I hadn’t now”.

So here I wait, I’ll invest my time into things worthwhile. Into becoming the person God wants me to be, into living healthier and becoming more self-less.  To quote one of my best friends, who when writing about how she feels, expressed exactly what I also feel: 

"[I'm Enjoying] The promise of falling in love one day. Until then, I choose to protect my heart, my emotions, my spirit and my body so that when my prince charming comes along, I can love him with all of me whole." 

I’ll trust that God has my future safely in his hands, and just like my mum finding the perfect purse for me, I believe that God has it all sorted… Cos seriously, even though I know what I want, It is not easy to find!

'The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.' Lamentations 3:25

Long Hot Summer

I'm really excited about Summer this year. I've romanticised it in my head so much. No reason at all. Sometimes you just need something to look forward to.

I plan on doing some camping, some beaching, summercamps, hanging out with some home friends. etc.


"I can't sleep
Ain't no sleep a'coming
I'm just lying here thinking 'bout you
I'm in deep
Falling deep into the picture in my mind of everything we're gonna do

Over at the lake and down by the river
You can feel it start to rise
Wanna jump in my car, go wherever you are
'Cause I need you by my side

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
With your feet up on the dashboard now
Singing along with the radio, it's such a beautiful sound
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
When you hold my hand in the back of my mind, just waiting on the sun to go down, the sun to go down

I wanna see your brown skin shimmer in the sun for the first time
I try to be the one who knows just what to do to you to get me that smile
One chance of meeting, you were walking by me on the street and I said hi
And that was the beginning of my heart spinnin' like these wheels in my head tonight

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
With your feet up on the dashboard now
Singing along with the radio, it's such a beautiful sound
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
When you hold my hand in the back of my mind, just waiting on the sun to go down, the sun to go down

The only place that I wanna be is where you are
'Cause anymore than a heartbeat away is just too far

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
All I really want is more than this moment right now
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
And when you hold my hand and I look into your eyes
I swear it looks like you're waiting for the sun to go down, the sun to go down

I swear it's like you're waiting for the sun to go down
Waiting on the sun to go down
Hey, yeah
Oh, I'm loving thinking 'bout you
I can't sleep, I'm just lying here thinkin' 'bout you "

weird things that smell Really good

So I got into bed last night. It's been pretty cold at night still, but because it's hot in the day times they've turned off the heaters. So its freezing at night. Anyway, I was rather chilly so I got out my sleeping bag.

Seriously it smelt so good. Just the faint fragrance of wet tent, maybe a tiny bit of camp-fire smell. Who would have thought sleeping bag would be an appealing smell, but it is.

This led to interesting dinner time conversation, weird things that smell good?

Can you think of any? Does anyone else like the smell of sleeping bag?

Things I'd Rather Be Doing

1. Laying out on the beach
2. Going for a run, or a walk
3. Kayaking
4. Mountain Biking
5. Reading a book
6. Camping
7. Cooking
8. Playing the Piano
9. Swimming
10. Trying to Surf
11. Doing other assignments
12. Cleaning my room
13. Cleaning the Bathroom
14. Waxing my legs
15. Changing nappies at special school
16. Cleaning up Vomit
17. Vomiting myself

So there's not much I wouldn't rather be doing right now than my essay.
Time to suck it up and get back to it!

Dance Party Rm 213

I'm currently writing an essay on Euthanasia. It's very interesting, deeply confronting, and somewhat emotionally exausting. I admit to crying over more than a few youtube videos. Anyway. It's almost 11pm and I've been trying to work on it all day (I'm a bit of a procrastinator) I'm almost half way and falling asleep.

So it's time for an exercise break. A bit of iDance late at night (it is actually called that when you dance to the music of your iPod that no one else can hear, I'm not just tryin to make my uncool behaviour sound cool by putting an i infront of it, because we all know how bigger fail that is!)

For Example. iSnack 2.0 Love the taste, although that was the STUPIDEST name ever. Seriously?

" Just Dance, Gonna be Okay, Just Dance!"

Irrevocable Joy

I guess you could call it a phrase...

Irrevocable Joy. Irrevocably joyful. It Has been stuck in my head since yesterday. I don't think I've ever heard it said. I don't think I've ever heard the words paired together before. But they seem like soul mates. I don't know If it even makes sense to anyone but me.

Irrevocable Joy

I google defined both "Irrevocable" and  "Joy" trying to see if they really could go together and this is what I found.

Irrevocable- incapable of being retracted or revoked (wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
Joy- the emotion of great happiness

I think joy is more than that. And that is why I think they belong together.
I think joy is a state of mind. a decision. a gift.
I think it's independent of the circumstances and situation.
I think Joy comes from God.

And that's what I choose to be.
Irrevocably joyful.

When Googling joy, I found this thing that some person had written. Defining what she believes Christian Joy to be. It's really cool. I don't know who wrote it... so I hope they don't mind me stealing it!

"Joy when I wake up in the Morning and look forward to another day, just knowing that my life as I know it now, may end... but eternity is stretching out in front of me. I no longer fear death...

Joy at night, because I know that if I should die before I wake... God would indeed take my soul to be with him.

Joy in just knowing that I found the truth... I know that I know the God of all Heaven and Earth and he knows me...

Don't gamble on life
With all your luck and your skills
Cause ya can't play the cards
Ole man death's gonna deal
The bible has said
Who the loser's gonna be
There's only two winning hands
And they were nailed to a tree."

I guess knowing that someone cared that much, Knowing that I'm saved. Knowing that I have a hope and a future and a purpose. And this gives me Irrevocable Joy.

Photo: by the wonderful Leighton Kuchel :)

Irrevocable Joy.

Kisses & Disses

I decided to start up a kisses and disses tradition on my blog... kisses (generally!) being things that I like, and disses, being things that I don't like, and want to complain about (although I have been known to diss some people and complain about how they kiss, but yuck, I don't want to think about that right now!).

This weeks kisses:

1. I'm a marmite girl. Born and bread, but I really love this delicious spread. (I decided to rhyme to go with the whole cheesy theme).

2. This week it has been a full moon. I love it.

3. So Good Ice-Cream. Can I just say. It tastes GREAT and it's really really not that bad for you. It is as it says, guilt free (why are all my kisses about food?)

(As a side note, I'm also really liking indoor plants and charities doing awesome stuff like saving whales and raising money for clean drinking water in Malawi.)

4. "The Girl Effect" Emotive animated video telling how Girls can change the world. Amen Sister!

5. The hope of fun activities to come. To keep me going through all the dodgy assignments and exams. Visiting Ted in North Qld with Becky, Having Ted visit college, Beach camping with Michael Beddoes and Ted and anyone who wants to come (oh my goodness, Michael got his shout out ;-), Seeing Dana hopefully at Christmas!

 6. 4MyEarth Sandwich Wraps. So cool. Pretty expensive but a great investment, which I'll buy one day when I have an Income 

7. Seeing God answer prayers. I was worried about money this week. and prayed telling God. My boss text me a day later telling me that someone had quit and asked me if I could take her job, which is double the hours I was getting.

This Weeks Disses

1. Too many assignments, Not enough time.

2. Having no one to watch the full moon with

3. Cleaning Bathrooms. I'm so sick of it.

Well I think it is better to have more Kisses than Disses and I'm over it for now. So that is all.

Peace.

Junk Box.

It's not the healthiest of relationships.
Sometimes I want it too much. Other times, I keep a distance, refusing it completely.
Midde of the road is where I really struggle.
Just a little bit at a time. Some every day.
I suck at self control.
It's often all or nothing with me.
And I don't just mean junk food.

But this is my mission. Lately I've exercised like an athlete, ate like the nutrition major I'm meant to eat like and it's paid off. Now the really hard part. Maintainence. I decided I can start eating some junk again. Just not too much.

One Coles trip later with the girls and I have a whole shoe box of junk food. A couple of the things are from last Coles trip though. The mission, which should be easy, because there is a lot of junk, is to not eat anything unhealthy for the rest of the semester (4 weeks) that is not in my box. This means it has to last the whole time. This requires self-control. Something which I struggle with.

So I'm blogging about it. Trying to keep myself accountable.

If you get hungry and want an unhealthy snack. Come visit me.

Share the love, share the fat is what I say ;-)

Words I can't say.

I can't say these words.
I can't pronounce them, But really, I can't say them for far bigger reasons than that.

Ek mis die dae wanneer ons was vriende ...

I wish I could say it again,

wil jy my maaikie wees? 

But I can't.

Because any attempt at being friends again seems like more than that, and would defeat the purpose. So instead, I wont let myself. I'll miss being friends from a far. And post on a blog that you'll never read.

Give Me Your Eyes

Every wish you knew the real story? The story hidden, deep inside the hearts of people. The stories that they are too afraid to let others see. Ever wish you knew what they really felt? So that you could really help. Ever wish that you could take a glimpse through God's eyes?

This is my prayer.

The Girl Effect.

I heard a story about a university in England. The first university to allow women to attend. A guest lecturer was speaking that day, upon arriving he walked into the lecture hall only to discover, that for some unknown reason, all the men of the class were absent and that the room was full of women. He said,  

"As there is no one here. This lecture is cancelled." 

 Hearing this story made my blood boil! If I was there, I would have wanted to pick up my chair and peg it at him! Or maybe if I was feeling a little less violent and a bit more lady like, I would have been tempted to use his butt as a dart board, for my perfectly sharpened pencils, as he turned and walked away. But I probably would have been more submissive that I am now,  if I was raised in that culture and time. The scary part is that women are still treated as nothing. As worse than nothing in some countries. To be raped, abused, used for their bodies and rejected for their minds.

Another huge problem in third world countries is that people are starving, have bad health, poor life expectancy and no money. These things we can't in good conscience ignore, and we haven't. But the problem is, we've been going about it the wrong way. Check out the graph below.

This one shows, that if we increase the amount of people living in an area, by either giving them health treatments- increasing longevity, or helping them to have more viable healthy babies, what we're really doing is making them as a country more poor than before. Because we now have increased the population, so many more people are living in the same areas, with the same amount of 'wealth' just to be 'shared' between more people.

Seems rather hopeless doesn't it? But it's not! We've been making poorer nations more poor and more dependent on us, all because we didn't want to see them suffer. We can't ignore their suffering. So what can we do?

That's where The Girl Effect comes in. The solution to poverty is education. Particularly that of Girls. There are 50 MILLION twelve year old girls living in poverty. 

That is 50 million solutions.

If girls are educated there are so many positives that would come to both them and their nations.

1. the girls are stay in school safe from sex trades, helping prevent more cases of HIV.
2. the girls don't have children, who then would grow up to live in poverty and continue the cycle, this means there is less malnutrition.
3. the girls stay healthy.
4. the girls become women who can contribute to society, and reinvest more money into their families than the men do.

But that means they'd have to be used for their minds, and would become strong enough mentally to fight for their rights not to be abused. This means they need us to fight for them, because right now they can't fight for themselves.

The videos say it far better than I ever could. It Puts chills down my spine every time I watch it.

Now that, Is the power of a Girl. 

  

"Educate Girls. Change the World."

 
Here is another video if you want to have a look, the other two are the better ones though this one is still really good.

10x10 Messaging Video from The Documentary Group on Vimeo.
>

Love

I couldn't sleep. Just lay there for two hours thinking about the past, wondering about the future. Sometimes I feel like love is on my mind far too much. Sometimes I feel let down by love. By people I've loved, by people who I thought loved me, or just by the fact that I haven't found true love. Wow, 'cause that doesn't sound entirely cliché and corny and lame (Blame hormones, the older I get, the more amazed I am at the affect they have on my feelings!)

But wait, there's more!

I wrote this a while back when I was thinking about Love and trying to define "true love"...

"I like the idea that true love can't be beaten, broken, stolen, lost.

Nothing can get between it, nothing can ruin it.

At the end of the day, through it all,

True love prevails, always lasts, never fails."

But then I was thinking, wow, that's looking at love through a hugely innocent, romance tinted; kaleidoscope of rainbows now isn't it. But the best part is, though I may not have found "true love" [whatever that is!] To be blunt, some may think pessimistic, I don't think I believe that us humans are capable of True love. We can Love, but I think we are far too selfish, for True love. But with God all things are possible, so maybe we are if connected to the source of love.  If you re-read what I've written, with God in focus, you see that he's the one you are guaranteed to be Truly loved by. God is love. And that without meaning to, I've basically rewritten a few bible verses into one.

1 Corinthians 13:7-8 "It [Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, Love never fails."

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

There's a Chris Tomlin song that says- A lover for the lonely, this is our God.

Here is a pretty much unrelated song, but it is about love and I like it and it's my blog, so I'll post what I want to.

"Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way"

Christmas Child

You've probably heard of this charity, but you should watch the video. If you can watch it without getting a tear or two in your eyes, you must be one tough beast.

I'm obsessed with Lyrics, give me a song with a catchy tune, or great beat and I'll listen to it on repeat for a week then hate it. Give me some great lyrics and I'll love it for a lifetime.

The song is beautifully moving. Hearing it sung by an 8 year old really helps you be able to see things from the point of view of the kids getting these boxes of gifts!

Cool charity check it out, only a couple weeks till boxes have to be collected, so get onto it if you're keen!

"The king will answer them, 'I can guarantee this truth: Whatever you did for one of my brothers or sisters, no matter how unimportant [they seemed], you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40 GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)

With This Ring...

Anyone who really knows me, knows how much I suck at making decisions! This used to bother me a lot. But after reading about my personality type I was comforted to discover that this weakness can be seen as a strength ["My greatest strength is also, my strongest weakness"?]  I see things from multiple angles. This means I'm really good at translating, helping people find a mutual ground, mediating, accommodating for other's feelings and being all-round-awesome at seeing things from every angle possible. Now for the extra annoying part. Seeing things from all angles makes decisions so much harder, I can see how if I chose that then this would happen, and they'd be affected this way, and then this and... or if I chose that, then...

Okay, So I'm getting to the point. Because I take forever to decide things, I sometimes start thinking about them, and working out what I do or don't like or what I would or wouldn't do, long before it ever matters. Now for a confession... I have a wedding folder on my computer, I'm not engaged and I don't  have a boyfriend. I don't even know a guy that I would want to be my boyfriend, let alone one day husband! I'm not the type of girl that sits and dreams about one day getting married, or who pines over the fact that I haven't met anyone. Occasionally I get lonely. But so does everyone. God's got it under control. So although the wedding folder may be interpreted the wrong way, It's there because I suck at making decisions! I don't purposely hunt out stuff to go in it, but if I happen to see something at a friends wedding that I like, or completely hate, it goes in there. The theory is, that I'm helping the future me with my future decisions!

Today I finally saw Tomorrow When the War Began. Best Book ever. We had to read it for my English class, I have read it about 5 times since then, including the rest of the series. [Side note, the movie was really good, not a let down at all!] So my brother, mum and I wandered out and walked past a Jewellers, I stopped to look at rings. "Ooh, I kinda like that one, but it's only worth $500 ha-ha. As if I'd get that one!" Mum said, "but what if he doesn't earn much money?" I thought my response was quite justified, after all I'm going to be wearing that ring for the rest of my life "Well,  I expect an engagement ring worth more than that, he can save up for it!"

I've thought about what kind of ring I want for the last couple years, every time a friend gets engaged, I check out their ring, and think, "Ew" [and of course, say, "Oh wow, that's so unique really suits you"] or occasionally, I think that I should get a photo of their ring off facebook and add it to my folder. I Kind of know what I want now: square cut diamond. Maybe channel set diamonds. Yellow Gold. No question there.

Tonight I discovered withthisring.org

It has challenged me and given me a reminder of how selfish I can be.

Selfish me wants a nice engagement ring.  But then my other side, sees how it affects everyone. The other side of me says to selfish me, "What are you doing? People don't have water to drink or food to eat. And you want your one day man to spend heaps of money on a chunk of metal with a sparkly rock stuck in it? Dug up by people who got paid almost nothing for their labour, but they dug in the heat anyway, just so that they could earn enough money to get a little bit of food, so that their children don't literally starve to death. And you call yourself a follower of Christ?

If Jesus asked the 'rich young man' in Mark 10:21 to sell all he had, give it to the poor and follow him, why would he ask anything less of me the "rich" young woman? I may not have any savings in the bank, or any possessions of real value, but compared to so many people I am rich. Luke 12:34 says, "For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

I don't mean to guilt trip you, or myself.  I really don't have the answers. I only have the questions. But it's a start I guess.

How bout if it would save, 100 or even 1000 lives? How many lives is a piece of jewellery worth? Now that is a decision worth thinking about.

(Check out the website, it's really cool, there are some amazing stories on there, and some good solutions such as sending them your diamond and getting a fake one instead.)

Pocket Full of Sunshine

I couldn't sleep the other night. So I randomly started writing down what I love about each of my closest friends. I was overwhelmed with a pure joy after thinking about this.  I thank God that I met each of you. When things get bad, or when I forget where to look. You all are my pocket full of sunshine.

"I got a pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine
I got a love and I know that its all mine

Do what you want,
But your never gonna break me,
Sticks and stone are never gonna shake me

Take me away (take me away)
A secret place (a secret place)
A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)
Take me away (take me away)
To better days (to better days)
Take me away (take me away)
A hiding place (a hiding place)

I got a pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine
I got a love and I know that its all mine"

Brittany- My kindred spirit. Best friend/soul mate. You are an amazing woman of God. You get me like no other and are one of the few people in the world that almost never annoys me! You say what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, and I'm okay with that, and appreciate it. Because I know you want what is best for me.

Ted- I love that (at the moment) you are the one guy in my life that I care about, but can still be totally authentically me around you.  I love your honesty. There is not a doubt in my mind when you compliment me, that it is true, not just to be nice, because you are so bluntly honest you always tell me the truth even when it isn't flattering! Your art moves me, and your internal world fascinates me. I'm glad that our friendship has lasted so long and that we let each other "see in" more these days.

Tammy- your spirit and smile lights up my life. The joy of Christ shines through you. Even though oceans and time have separated us temporarily, I look forward to the times when we can laugh together some more!

Stace- Your deep thoughts and brilliant sense of humour, your rawness and realness connects us, though our circumstances are different, i feel like we often respond the same way, so much so that it doesn't even matter if you go for the all blacks. I still love you anyway.

Kylie-Ann- my school friend, how much of life we went through together! All our talks and dramas. Boys and school. The crazy things we've done, the talks that could last forever, we always pick up where we left off, although we hadn't been separated at all! Though you're married now and you've returned to the land of the long white cloud, you always have a space in my heart (and also my country if you want to come back any time! :-)


Daniela- though you drive me insane at times, they say opposites attract, this is true, you pretty much complete me! Where I'm too logical, you're too emotional. Where I'm too scientific you're too artistic! Where I'm too phlegmatic, you're too choleric. Where I'm too shy you're too outgoing. We make up for each others weaknesses all the time, and have a heck of a lot of fun along the way. My life wouldn't be anywhere near as awesome without you in it!

Nicholas- I admire you for all you've been through, and all you're becoming. I'm proud of your effort. I'll always be loyal to you. I'll care about you on some level and pray for you and be here whenever you need a friend.

Esther- The most non-judgemental person I know. You know my most embarrassing moments. In more detail than anyone, because I know that you'd never judge, you'll shout it from the rooftops because you figure people should accept me just as I am, just as you do, and I love you for that. You're one of the most talented/dedicated musicians I know. Who else can play pop goes the weasel so well that I'll request it every time I see you playing your cello! 

Saia- Who achieves their life goal by age 23? You do that is who! Why, because you work hard. You push yourself and push yourself And I'm so proud of you for that! You're so much smarter than you think. You're funny and charismatic and will always have a bit of my heart.

Imogen- my most dedicated and hard working friend. I see how hard you work yourself, and how you push yourself to work even harder. You have immense talent, at everything you do in life! I'm a little jealous! I appreciate your intelligence and wisdom and all the genius-ly funny things you have to say and write! I'm so glad to have you still at college with me!

Monte- oceans separate us, and though we've only spent a small percentage of our lives literally together, I'm so grateful for it, also so glad that we remain in contact still, I think you are amazing and your friendship colours my life!

There's a whole heap more of you that I would love to write about, but I'm out of time for now. Next time when I cant sleep I'll write it down about you!

 "Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done"

"When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings, see what God hath done! Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly, And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold, Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold; Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
 So, amid the conflict whether great or small, Do not be disheartened, God is over all; Count your many blessings, angels will attend, Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end"

Burnt

Ever been burnt? I have many times. I used to be a tom-boy. I still am, on the inside, It's just covered by a more by a feminine exterior these days.  I've managed to burn myself many times in my life. A blister here, a blister there. I don't recommend packing up your camp stove just after you used it. I've got a scar on my hand from another camp stove encounter. I've always had awesome cooking skills.

Superficial burns hurt for a while, but in time they heal. Worst case scenario you get left with a scar.

"Since the body cannot re-create healthy skin or tissue, it puts together new fibres that are not as functional as the original tissue, but that serve as a protective, useful barrier. When this barrier is completely healed, it is known as a scar."1

Scars occur where an: 

"injury, cut, surgery or disease has taken place, and then healed. Thicker than the surrounding tissue, scar tissue is paler and denser because it has a limited blood supply; although it takes the place of damaged or destroyed tissue, it is limited in function, including movement, circulation, and sensation."1

Scars have some benefits, they fill the hole, they protect you from further damage, but scars also have negatives, they may leave us feeling less beautiful, less valuable, or not being able to feel at all where once we could.

For those that don't know, I am a pastors kid.  I was burnt by the church. Actually let me rephrase, I was burnt by some of the members of a church. The "church" voted and "fired" my dad. Without taking into consideration the feelings of my dad or how it would affect the rest of my family. Us kids were half way through the school year. Mum was happy at her job.

He came home from the board meeting and told us that we were moving and that the church didn't want him to be their pastor any more. I was 14, My sister 12 and my brother 9. I had never seen my dad cry before and I haven't since. It broke my heart.

The church gave us farewell gifts and smiled nicely, tried to give us good-bye hugs and air kisses. All I wanted to do was give them the finger. The façade had been shattered for me. I've always hated fake. And now that was how I saw the church. I never wanted to see them again. I didn't want to go back.

Question: What do you do when you get burnt?

Everyone should know the answer to this. If you don't, you need to invest in a first aid book or take a course ASAP.

Answer: You wash it under cold water for as long as you possibly can.

Mum and Dad were absolutely amazing through it all. Even though they felt just like we did. They helped us through it, reminded us that people are imperfect and we are not Christians because of what Christians do, but because of what Jesus did for us. They told us never to let anyone ever take our salvation from us, and to trust that God had a plan and could turn our sorrows into joy. They asked us to forgive the people and to remain close to God. And not to allow ourselves to become bitter or hate them, as that would only hurt us and our relationship with God. It was hard, but Mum and Dad's example helped us through.

We were relocated to a city a few hours away and started a new school and a new church. Where we were loved, the people were real. You could feel God's love through the church. There we experienced healing. They respected Dad, and treasured mum. We made great friends at our new school and grew into better and stronger people.

God brought good from the bad.

Today I discovered a song. I saw one line of the lyrics on facebook and looked up the song. I loved it immediately. But I didn't know why. I could kind of understand the words, but didn't really get what the song was about... But I've listened to it literally all day. Alternating between the acoustic and normal version.

Have a Listen:




Tonight as I was going for a walk at sunset, I looked up the lyrics and was in awe. I started crying.

"Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin' to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light 

People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won't never ever let you down
I won't fall
I won't fall
I won't fall as long as you're around me
 
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water"

Yes, It was painful and yes, I am left with some minor scars. But I can look at them, and not focus on the pain, but on the God who brought us through. Good was brought from the bad. My family was brought closer to each other and remains closer than most. And we were brought closer to God. Even though the tears fell, and life felt like a storm. God was there for me and I know that he will be in my future storms too.

I am washed by the water.

1) http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-scar-tissue.htm

Green.

I've always liked the colour.
I try to save water.
I reject plastic bags when I only have a few things to carry.

I like to be a bit green, but I've never really sacrificed any comforts for the sake of being green. This week at college we've had festival of faith, involving an hour long church service at 10 am and another at 6pm all week. It's been very inspirational. A lot of it has been on how important it is for us to look after the environment and the people in this world. Social justice. It's challenged me a lot. I'm wanting to persue my inner hippy a little bit now. Don't worry, no matter how far I go... I'm still going to wear deodourant.

I would love to write more but its 12.11am. and my brain is not working at it's best so i'm going to call it a night. I'm sure I shall write more on the whole becoming a hippy, saving the world thing. I feel it is my responsibility to do all I can to protect Gods creation: animals, people, land and water.

One day when I have kids, I want to get them one of these!

My Wish

Today my ex-boyfriend gets married.
It's such a weird feeling.
I thought I'd never get over him.
I believed for a good year after we broke up that one day we would be brought back together (as we broke up because he lives in America and I live in Australia). I believed that Love could overcome everything, even distance!

Like in the song "BBQ Stain" by Tim McGraw-

"It was five years later on a south bound plane I was,
headin' down to New Orleans,
to meet some friends of mine for the Mardi Gras,
when I heard a voice from the past,
comin' from a few rows back,
and when I looked, I couldn't believe just what I saw,
she said I bet you don't remember me,
and I said, only every other memory...
A heart don't forget something like that"

I believed that God brought us together for a reason, and that he would bring us back together as well, just like in this song. The reunion of us, in our love story was thought about many late nights while trying to get some sleep. God knows far more than I do though.







I always wondered, even when hope started to fade, if one day we'd get back together. I was obsessed with Sweet Home Alabama because she ended up back with her first love. So I used to dream that we would be like that. He was my first love and he'd come back to me. The perfect love story. Once enough time passed, and enough healing occured I realised that it was the perfect love story, it just wasn't mine. I wasn't the main character, I was the one who got left at the altar.

Then I found out that he was engaged and was absolutely and completely devistated. The new country song I associated my life with was, "I don't have to wonder anymore" by Garth Brooks. Only I wasn't at all suicidal as this song suggests. I was just sad. But in some ways it was a relief not to wonder anymore, and it really helped me to finally move on!








And today he really gets married. It feels so weird. Nostalgia makes me want to cry, to read my old diaries and his love letters one last time. But I wont. Goodbye forever my first love. Thanks for all you've taught me, for the happy memories, the love you gave me and the love you taught me for country music! Although it feels strange and a bit sad, I am actually happy for him. And wish him all the best, and pray for God's blessing and leading on his life and their marriage.

And my final song is what I wish for him. "My Wish" - Rascal Flatts






  " I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish"

Lovers & Friends?

So I've been thinking on this topic for a little while... by that I mean every now and then for probably a year.

When the thought originated, I realised that I have never once in my life started liking a guy friend. I always liked them from the beginning or they just stayed friends. Which was nice. Drama free. Sadly since then my perfect track record has become less than perfect.

If feelings change, It brings up quite an awkward predicament. To risk the friendship for the possibility of something ' more' or to sacrifice the chance of ' more' to 'guarantee' the friendship?

There's this country song that I've liked since my now-ex bf got me hooked on country music. It's called "What if I Said" and it talks about his issue.

"What if I told you,
What if I said,
That I love you?
How would you feel,
What would you think,
What would we do?
Do we dare to cross that line,
Between your heart and mine?
Or would I lose a friend?
Or find a love that would never end?
What if I said?"

It's really lame. 'Cause the like part can go away fairly easily, but the awkward, ' Does he think I’m trying to hit on him just because I’m being friendly part' doesn't ever completely disappear.

I hate having lost that friend, but I can't make any attempt to hang out and be friends, without scarring him further away!

I was telling my best guy friend the abridged version of this story and he replied, "Let's never date unless u wanna definitely be my wife". I personally think this is really funny and I'm actually really touched by it. I love that kid, but probably not in the marriage type of way. It's not a friendship that I am willing to risk at this stage in my life!

Maybe that's the solution to all this shiz.

Arranged marriages.

Just kidding.

Sex

That got your attention didn't it? At least you didn't giggle, or maybe you did...

I'm teaching sex ed. to year 8. And LOVING it. It's so funny. Today I surveyed and pre-tested them on their knowledge.

Reading their answers has provided me with many giggles this afternoon. I was pretty shocked by how much they don't know and by how much a few kids knew. A couple of kids got about 20/25 but most kids got less than 8/25.

I'm excited about teaching them, although it is hard. One class is quite mature, the other class are gigglers and talkers.

About 2/30 of the kids in each class come from Christian families (which is interesting, considering it's a Christian school). I have the potential to positively change their lives, and I pray that I will be able to educate them and help protect them. Pray for me too!

I've been trying to think of interesting ways to teach the kids about things. I have a couple ideas.

I'm going to play parts of an episode of 90210 (yes, trashy show I know) Where some girl who was a druggie finds out her ex-bf has Aids. So she goes to gets tested for HIV. The nurse comes out and tells her she tested negative, but that she is pregnant. Adriana (i think that's the druggies name) goes, But i'm 16, I can't be pregnant!).

And for teaching abstinence one of my ideas is to buy this huge big chocolate freckle heart. I'm going to walk around the classroom, saying one reason for having sex. Eg. The other boys teased me because i was a virgin. He said he loved me. I was bored. Everyone else was doing it. With each reason I say, I'm going to break off a piece of the heart and put it on their desk. When i get to the last person in the class. I'm only going to have one piece of the heart left and I’m going to talk about how I met the most amazing guy. The guy I’ve been looking for, for so long. He is better than I'd dreamed of (blahblahblah).

And this is all I had to give him...

Now for my funny sex ed answers of the day!

what are some effects hormones have on a person?
"go crazy and go through puberty"


what changes do boys go through during puberty?
"they wet the bed"
"they want to have sex or do something with their ****" (That is seriously what they wrote, i find it funny that they are okay writing the rest, but not their **** word)

what is another name for menstruation?
" jacking off" crossed out. replaced with "marsterbushon"

where is sperm made?
"inside a mothers..."
"inside a mothers stomach" (i think these two might have been cheating off each other. Fat lot of good that did! haha.
"in the boys willy"

What is a hormone?
"it is a sign sent to your brain to start to grow"
"something you get when you become old"
"when you get older and sillyer and sexually attracted to a person of the other sex" (my personal favourite answer!)

So it's pretty interesting. They obviously have a lot to learn! I'm glad for these answers though, many of the kids were too embarrassed to write anything even though I don't know their names yet.

Any ideas or comments any of you have please feel free to share them with me!