Smashed to Pieces

Ever feel like your heart has been smashed to pieces too many times? Shards are all over the place. It has gotten to the point where it is so broken, you seriously doubt it could ever be reassembled, and then you wonder, "Even if it could be put back together, is it even worth it? It'll only get broken again?"

I've been there. My heart is in repair at the moment. It's being repaired by the only one who could ever fix it; the one who made it. It's safe in His capable hands, He's putting the tiny fragments back in place and holding them together with His Love.

I don't have to worry about it being broken again, I've asked him to keep it, to protect it, hold it safe in his hands. And one day, when the time is right, that he will introduce me to who he wants me to spend my life with. Someone who I can hold hands with as together we walk closer and closer towards God, becoming the people he wants us to be.

I'm so glad, for the times my heart gets hurt simply because it brings me back closer to God. I wish I didn't leave the safety of his arms in the first place. Because then I wouldn't get hurt, and Jesus wouldn't get hurt. But when I get hurt, I can turn and run back to him, and he welcomes me with his arms wide open.

There's a song which talks about this, that I really love. It's called "In Your Arms" by Nicole Walkinshaw

"I've tried to replace you with so many people and so many plans, 

But you're more than just a means to an end, 

You're my Lord and Father, 

Saviour and Best Friend.

Don't want to run to you,
'Cause I want to be,

Already in your arms.

Don't want to run to your side,

I wanna find I'm 

Already in your arms"

So when all hope is gone, and you wonder if you'll ever truely be loved. Know that you already are loved.
"Trust your heart to the one who made it"

The High Road...

So...  The last few weeks have been crazy. My new best friend... who shall now be referred to as  HARRY and I are now not even facebook friends anymore. It's been a whirlwind of insanity.

Back then... We studied together, laughed together, talked about our friendship tree. Told each other some of our biggest fears growing up. I really let him in. He was honnest to goodness my new best friend. It's rare that you click with someone so well.

He was very upfront with me, saying that he didn't want a girlfriend, and would want to be friends with someone for a very long time before he gets into a relationship with them. I was okay with that. I just liked hanging out.

We planned to go watch the sunset and moon rise up in the mountains one afternoon evening. I thought this sounded romantic... but new the whole friends thing, so didn't think too much of it. It ended up being a rainy and cloudy day. Still we went anyway. We just chilled out in the car for a few hours, talking laughing. It was great. We got out in the wind, I had a cough so he made me wear his jacket and did it up for me. He randomly picked me up, literally, which I must confess I was rather impressed by. He forced me to drive his precious car, I was thanking my Parents for forcing me to learn to drive manual, even though we've only ever had automatic cars. As we're driving along we started talking about rules for dating... I said one of mine is that the guy must be taller than me. He said one of his, is that he has to be able to lift the girl up. I started to wonder, if earlier he was testing the rule. Nothing really happened. We just hung out for ages. He was a little bit cuddly, but it was nice. He'd always been quiet physically affectionate, not in any sort of dodgy way, just would greet you with a hug and he'd always been very observant and a great compliment giver. I guess I started to get mixed messages, and get confused.

To cut a long story short, I started to think maybe he liked me, and I started to like him. A couple weeks later things got crazy awkward when he figured out I liked him. And things although they looked like they could be repaired quiet a few times, somehow got smashed to pieces. I wish that I could undo it all...

I've only ever been cut off completely from a friend once in my life before. And she was 13. Honestly, I don't care that he didn't like me in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. I don't even mind that he likes someone else. But I really miss him as a friend and I'm hurt that he could cut me off from his life so completely.

Now i'm trying to take the high road. Trying to behave responsibly and maturely, and in a way that will only bring glory to God. I just don't really know where the high road always is, I think I've found it, but it's hard to stay on, I feel like I could lose my ballance and fall at any second. I want to show HARRY that I'm loyal to our friendship, and that i'm here if he needs me. But I don't want to chase him.

When I look in the Mirror...

They sit in a circle, I'm in the centre holding the mirror. I walk from one kid to the next, as the other teachers sing with me. We sing this at special school, in an attempt to build self value and resiliance in the kids. Sometimes I sing it to myself, sometimes like these. Each child stares into the mirror and see's themselves for one line of the song.

"When I look in the mirror, I see someone beautiful, I see someone beautiful. I see me.
when I look in the mirror, I see someone quiet unique, I see someone quiet unique. I see me.
When I look in the mirror I see someone tallented. I see someone tallented. I see me.
When I look in the mirror I see someone I can trust. I see someone I can trust. I see me.

When I look in the mirror I see someone I can trust.
I see someone tallented.
I see someone quiet unique.
I see someone beautiful.
I see me."

"Don't let someone be your priority, if you're only an option to them" 

Sometimes I need to remind myself of my worth and try to convince myself to believe it. I was made with a purpose. And made to be me. I am quiet unique. I am tallented. I am trustworthy, and even if I look in the mirror and don't see someone beautiful. I am beautiful. Sometimes us girls need to remind ourselves of that.

Seasons of Love?

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died."
Seasons of Love- Rent


I got rejected for the first time in my life. In the past I've always kept my 'crushes' a complete secret. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm too nice. I probably should dislike. He was quite a jerk to me. But I also probably freaked him out a bit. I don't hate him though. Forgive and try to forget. That's how I roll.

How do you measure life without Love? What is it worth? 


It's midnight so I shouldnt be writing right now. 'Cause i'll write typos, and have bad spelling and make even less sense than usual! 

As confused and lonely as I may feel, I know though, that I am Loved. By my Mum, my Dad, my Sister, my Brother, my extended family, my friends, and most of all by my creator.

"Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling. You've told me who I am. I am Yours.

So no matter if I'm going through a dry season of 'Love' I am still loved. By the one who really matters. And no matter what, I'm going to be okay.