I haven't written on here in forever... missed the best part of my life... the dude I met the last time I wrote, I ended up absolutely and completely falling for. We had a few good months together, went on a trip overseas- met his family, which I loved. Had our first few fights...
Ended up breaking up. I miss him a lot. I think we've been broken up about as long as we were together now. Good has came from it though, I ran back to God to piece me back together, and if nothing else good comes from it, I think that is enough, I want to only get closer to God from here.
Like usual, I can't let go. I don't give up on my relationships and I want to fix it. I prayed the other day, ... I was considering just cutting my ex-out of my life completely as it hurts so much, it would be easier to pretend he doesn't exist. But I don't like to roll like that, once a friend/boyfriend of mine, always a friend of mine. I won't let go. I won't give up. You will always have a special place in my heart. And that leaves me vulnerable. very vulnerable. I believe God made me this way for a reason. Ridiculously loyal, and I trust that my hurt will be worth it one day. Anyway, I was praying about this, and asked for a specific sign if this sign didn't happen, then I was going to cut him out, if this did happen (it was unlikely to happen) I'm meant to keep him in my life. The sign happened. I balled my eyes out.
I've prayed for another sign, a sign as to whether we're only meant to be friends, or if God wants us to be more than that again, in His time, and in His way. I'm really scared that I won't get the sign, and that God's answer will be a resounding, "No! it is not in my plans for you" so I'm scared to ask. But I know that God has a plan for my life, and that it's better than I can hope or dream or imagine, plans to give me a bright future and hope. So even if the answer is "NO!!!!" I know I will be okay, I'll be better than okay, because God has something better for me then.
God knows my heart, he knows the desires of my heart, and he also knows what is best for me and what trials the future holds. He knows that other than my desire to serve and love Him with all my life, my next greatest desire is to Love and live life with this ex. And maybe it's sad and pathetic of me, to not let go... and this is why I am asking for my sign...
"Dear Lord, thank-you for making me. saving me. loving me. Thank-you for all that you've done for me. Thank-you for health, and my incredible family. my job, and my amazing supportive boss. Thank-you for the friends you've blessed my life with. Thank-you for the love you've blessed my heart with. Thank-you for the joy XX brought to my life. Thank-you for blessing me with his love and support at a time in my life when I needed it so much. You know the secret desires of my heart, you know my sins, you know my hopes and dreams. You see my tears. I believe that you can do the impossible. I know that you love me, and that you've worth me, and that you are faithful. I will wait for you Lord. I want to desire the things you want for my life. Most of all I want to desire a closer relationship with you. Please be with XX give him direction, hope, meaning and purpose in life. Please guide him closer and closer to you. Please draw me closer to you always too. May we search for you with all our hearts, and serve you with all our might. If it is your will, please answer my prayer, and give me a sign that he and I will one day be together again, I believe you made me meet him for a reason, maybe that reason has already happened, and I don't fully know it, or maybe it's because you want us to be together. Whatever happens, Lord I trust you with my life, and I thank-you for making me realise my need for you in my life. Please be with me over the next few days. If I haven't seen the sign by friday, I will know that you do not want him and I to be together. Oh God!!! I want it so bad. But I want to be with you more, and so if being with him will affect my relationship with you, then I don't want to be with him. If possible though, I want both. Thank-you Jesus for dying for me, for forgiving me, for hearing my prayers, for caring about the drama's in my life and my broken heart. Please send me my sign, if it is your will.
Love, me.
No comments:
Post a Comment