Unanswered Prayers

I hate seeing peoples hearts break, and their faith being given a beating. I don't know what to say or do. Even though I've been there myself, I don't know how to help them through.

This song kept popping into my head when talking with a friend earlier, but I can't say it as I know that they are in the position I was, and would probably feel the same way as I once did.

My then boyfriend introduced me to this song, once we broke up, whenever it would play on my iPod I would skip it for a good 2 years afterwards. I Absolutely hated it! When you're so surrounded by rubbish in life. It's hard to see over the piles of junk. It's hard to believe that there is a world outside the rubbish dump that you are in. It's almost impossible. So that is why I hated this song, because I couldn't imagine it, I couldn't believe it,  even though some tiny part of me kind of thought it would one day be true.

Nowadays I can listen to it, I actually like it, Now I know it's true, and have been healed enough to believe it.

"Just the other night at a hometown football game

My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be

She was the one that I'd wanted for all times
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then
I'd never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That

Just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care.
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recal
lI guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the Good Lord
For the gifts in my life

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are too often unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

I was once asked why Can't God just fix it, make a relationship work... I'm sure our hearts have all cried this at some stage. We've all been mad at God and not been able to understand. This song expresses what we've felt.

My one disclaimer from the video, is that I really don't think that strength is how well you hide the pain. 

I think that telling people how you feel, and allowing yourself to feel it, deal with it, and slowly heal is strength. Not hiding it in shame and pretending it doesn't exist.

I Think God could make people love people, he could "fix it" but where it the free will, as the previous song lyrics say I think that God so often has a plan for us, he can see the big picture that we can't see.

It's cliché but happiness isn’t getting what you want, it's wanting what you got. 

God knows what He’s doing whether we understand it or not.

Reminder.

I get self absorbed sometimes.
Think about all the fun things I could be doing if I had money...
Travel...
Go see my Kiwi Friends, Go see my American Friends again. Go to Africa... Greece... Japan...

Go to more Rugby games... buy new heels and dresses and flash a bit of leg (separate events of course, I'm not the type of girl who would wear heels to the rugby! Heck no!).
Go on road trips for the sake of it, and have the money to not worry.

I could go on for ages...

But then I get a little reminder. Sometimes I'll see or hear something, and sometimes I just snap out of my egocentric coma... and realise there's a world around me. Far bigger than Australia. With far HUGER problems than not having the money to go see a friend who I miss.

People who so many of their friends, they can't see... not because they can't afford it, but because their friends couldn't afford health care, food, water, and their bodies finally gave up the fight.

And then I realise how Superficial I can be.
It's hard not to be. In this world I live in.

But that is not a good enough excuse to be superficial.

 

It's good to be reminded. But what am I going to do with it? Am I going to think about it, until It slips my mind and superficial me reigns again for sometime? Honestly, I don't know. Right now, I don't really have any money, I try to be as generous as I can with what I have, but still be able to pay for all of my bills. I'd like to think one day when I have more money, I'll be able to be more generous... But then I wonder if that'll be true. That would be an interesting study. Do people that earn more money, donate a higher percentage of their earnings to charity, than those who earn less money? Probably not...

Here's a little research I just did to satisfy my curiosity about the aforementioned question:

"The poorest Americans give above their capacity, donating more in comparison than the most well off upper fifth of society. Not only does this group of low-income Americans give more of their income to charity, but double the percentage of income that the richest individuals in the study do"  (link to article here)

  

 (Image Source: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2009/05/19/68456/americas-poor-are-its-most-generous.html)

I totally wasn't looking for this, but I'm delighted to discover it, in one of the three random articles google hand delievered when I typed in "do people who earn more money donate a greater percentage of their income to charity?"  I found a quote about an Adventist man. It makes me so happy when Christians are in the media for a good reason, as it often seems more likely that negative stories about christians make it into the mainstream media. 

" Herbert Smith, 31, a Seventh-day Adventist who said he tithed his $1,010 monthly disability check — giving away 10 percent of it — thought that poor people give more because, in some ways, they worry less about their money.
"We're not scared of poverty the way rich people are," he said. "We know how to get the lights back on when we can't pay the electric bill."

Read more: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2009/05/19/68456/americas-poor-are-its-most-generous.html#ixzz15KMiyRMx

What makes people give???
1.people who go to church are more likely to give than people who don't. They're more likely to give to secular charities as well, not just church based ones.

2. view of the government (this one makes no sense to me!?!)

3. couples and families give more, even if they may overall earn less, than single people. I think this one is pretty cool. The article suggests that the act of giving your time and your love etc. to someone else, makes you want to give more to others. (Link to Article)

So. 

Giving more, makes you want to give more... hmm...

I don't know where I'm going with this.

But I hope you found it interesting. 

I'm going to stop writing for now,

But I'm not going to stop thinking about it.

Peace

.x.

Too Much

I've always cared too much.

It's a difficult balance.

I care too much what people think of me,
I care too much about what I say, will I say the wrong thing, will they think I'm stupid?
If I do that, will people think that I think that...
Will they be offended?
Will they think I think I think I'm better than them.
Caring what others think of me, is probably the main reason why I'm shy/quiet until I trust someone.

But for now, I'm going to try not to care.
Life is so much more fun when I do the crazy things I want to, getting weird looks from passers by sometimes, such as today when I walked down college drive carrying a turtle... or when I do the things I think are awesome, even if I know that even my friends wont understand, Like laying in a paddock at 10pm, all by myself, just watching the lightning in the approaching storm clouds. This week I overcome many of these fears. I asked an old man if he wanted help carrying his bag, down college drive as he kept stopping to rest it on the ground... Normally, I'd think of this, and then chicken out after thinking, maybe he'd be insulted that a girl would offer? maybe he'd feel sad as I'm implying that he's too old and weak to carry his own stuff? But I did it, and asked him. He replied with, "No thank you, but thank you, it's just really hot so I stop to cool down" So I won that battle, Not permanently, I'm sure it'll always be a battle, but there is no victory without first a battle!

So I resolve not to care what others think of me, and to do what I believe to be right. The only one who I care what they think of me is Jesus...

Movember Me

To Whom it may concern,

It's that time of year again people: Movemeber. I really like it for a change. Guys getting a bit creative with their facial hair. I am glad that it only lasts for a month though!

Prostate cancer isn't really a cause I'm hugely passionate about, probably because I don't have a prostate... and none of my family or friends have had prostate cancer so it hasn't really touched my life.

Depression on the other hand has been a little more apparent in my life.  So many people feel like they can't share it with others, and I think that guys feel like they have to be the big tough man and not tell anyone how they feel and not ask for help. Half the money donated this month goes to each of these causes, I think it's a cause well worth supporting. And even though I don't have much money myself, I have supported with what I can.

I Possibly did an all nighter last night. At about 4am I noticed a whiteboard marker on my desk...
Strange things happen at 4am.

Two of my friends, Saia and Anthony Faingaa, are doing Movember with the rest of the Wallabies. So if you don't know someone doing Movember who you are already supporting, you should donate to Saia's team.
By Donating you'll a) most importantly help 2 great causes and  b) make the "Cat's Whiskers" Team beat the other half of the Wallabies who they are competing against in the competition to raise the most money for this worthy cause.

Saia Faingaa (Team Cat's Whiskers) http://au.movember.com/mospace/842670/
Anthony Faingaa (Team Cat's Whiskers) http://au.movember.com/mospace/841870/


Thanks a bunch.
Lets see what you've got.

Sincerely,
Movemeber me.

ebenezer

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop. With my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect"

Psalm 18: 28-32

Watch

watch as my heart breaks
watch as you tear me in two
watch as the tears stream down my face
what did we ever do to you?

watch as you let evil arise
watch as the loud silence the quiet
watch as you feed the obese; starving the malnourished
who is Jesus to you?

watch as you stab us
watch; make sure you do it right
watch as you twist it deeper
who is it for that you fight?

watch as our souls cry out
watch our silent agony
watch and see what you do, but remember:
we are God's family

watch as you lift him higher
watch as his tears stream down
watch as his face forgives you
look, see the thorns that pierce his brow

watch as he forgives you
watch as I try to too
watch, take a look in the mirror
walk back to Jesus, he's waiting for you.


Maybe this poem completely sucks. But when I'm emotional I write. I hope it makes some sort of sense.
Tomorrow, when I look at it with dry eyes, I may see it a bit more clearly.

Things that Break my Heart...

The biggest thing that breaks my heart, is seeing people hurting and not knowing how to heal them.

I see this in the mall... just walking from one shop to another and seeing some peoples faces full of incredible sadness.

Seeing some people sitting alone in the food court with their Chinese food or Macca's meals. Eating their loneliness.

Talking to old friends, hearing how they don't believe in God any more, and not knowing what to say.

Seeing people who think they are worthless purely because the are overweight.

Talking to old friends who are so obsessed with sex that it rules their lives, ruins their friendships and makes them feel like God, just like all their other "Christian" "Friends" has rejected them.

Seeing people who've been rejected by someone who doesn't even deserve them and then watching as they tell themselves that they're not even good enough for him. When they deserve so much more.

Watching as churches sometimes tear themselves apart. 

Seeing others who are so obsessed with their weight they sometimes don't eat for days at a time.

Seeing friends who constantly pray the same prayer asking for the one desire of their heart, and watching as that prayer isn't answered, seeing as they doubt God's existence instead of hearing his voice in the silently spoken "No, I have something better for you, just wait"

Watching as my school friends fill their lives with alcohol and parties.

Wondering what happened, what caused all of this, what can I do? If they don't know about Jesus how could I tell them without bible bashing them or making them feel awkward. What is even harder is for the ones that were Christians, how do you reach them when they already know about God? and even harder for the ones that are Christians, but who still feel worthless, or who begin to doubt the existence of God.

And these are some of the things that make me sad.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away"  Revelation 21:4

Wallets & Men

As I write this I'm sitting on a couch in the mall. Behind me is an escalator, in front: strand bags. The stand at the door to the store, directly in front of me is Women’s purses. They're actually really nice and 25% off. A couple caught my eye, but I'm just not really interested.

Why not, you may ask?

Because the perfect one already belongs to me. I looked for it for a long time. Finding it was such a mission! The thing is, I always know exactly what I want or at the very least, Exactly what I don't want. That's a bit of a problem just ‘cause I know what I want doesn't mean it's any easier to find. In actual fact I think it makes it harder.

Sometimes In the past I've bought a cheap wallet, as it was kind of like what I wanted. But after a while I'd start to hate it, or find another one which exhibited different qualities of my dream wallet and it would satisfy me for a little while.

I got to the point where I was sick of getting these wallets that were not what I wanted. What was the point of having something I didn’t want, just to have something?

And then I met my dream Wallet. I'd been telling my family what I was looking for, for a long time. I want a tan leather wallet, long and as thin as possible. I want it to have enough room for a few cards, a zip for coins and for it to fit nicely in the hand.

One day my lovely mother found it on sale in the factory outlet Oroton store.
It is absolutely and exactly what I've been looking for all this time. Thank goodness my mum found it for me as I never would have looked in the Oroton store (heck, we all know I’m too poor and cheapskate for that!)

 It was worth the wait. I kind of wish I hadn’t spend that $100 I probably spent all up buying the multiple dodgy wallets in an attempt to fill the space. But now the search is over. You other wallets aint got nothing on the one that's right here, cozy in my hand.

And this is where I’m at with guys too… I know what I want, at the very least I know exactly what I don’t want. I’ve settled for a few that I knew weren’t quite what I wanted. But I’m over that now. I have not found the ‘perfect’ one yet.  But I can’t be bothered settling for less anymore.  When window shopping many guys still catch my eye.  But I don’t want to look back later on once I’ve finally met the one that meets all my needs and think just like with all my purses, “man I wasted so much of my time on all those wrong guys, wish I hadn’t now”.

So here I wait, I’ll invest my time into things worthwhile. Into becoming the person God wants me to be, into living healthier and becoming more self-less.  To quote one of my best friends, who when writing about how she feels, expressed exactly what I also feel: 

"[I'm Enjoying] The promise of falling in love one day. Until then, I choose to protect my heart, my emotions, my spirit and my body so that when my prince charming comes along, I can love him with all of me whole." 

I’ll trust that God has my future safely in his hands, and just like my mum finding the perfect purse for me, I believe that God has it all sorted… Cos seriously, even though I know what I want, It is not easy to find!

'The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.' Lamentations 3:25

Long Hot Summer

I'm really excited about Summer this year. I've romanticised it in my head so much. No reason at all. Sometimes you just need something to look forward to.

I plan on doing some camping, some beaching, summercamps, hanging out with some home friends. etc.


"I can't sleep
Ain't no sleep a'coming
I'm just lying here thinking 'bout you
I'm in deep
Falling deep into the picture in my mind of everything we're gonna do

Over at the lake and down by the river
You can feel it start to rise
Wanna jump in my car, go wherever you are
'Cause I need you by my side

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
With your feet up on the dashboard now
Singing along with the radio, it's such a beautiful sound
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
When you hold my hand in the back of my mind, just waiting on the sun to go down, the sun to go down

I wanna see your brown skin shimmer in the sun for the first time
I try to be the one who knows just what to do to you to get me that smile
One chance of meeting, you were walking by me on the street and I said hi
And that was the beginning of my heart spinnin' like these wheels in my head tonight

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
With your feet up on the dashboard now
Singing along with the radio, it's such a beautiful sound
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
When you hold my hand in the back of my mind, just waiting on the sun to go down, the sun to go down

The only place that I wanna be is where you are
'Cause anymore than a heartbeat away is just too far

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
All I really want is more than this moment right now
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
And when you hold my hand and I look into your eyes
I swear it looks like you're waiting for the sun to go down, the sun to go down

I swear it's like you're waiting for the sun to go down
Waiting on the sun to go down
Hey, yeah
Oh, I'm loving thinking 'bout you
I can't sleep, I'm just lying here thinkin' 'bout you "