Revival

So I decided to revive this old blog... I've been wandering through, reading posts and deleting in red faced embarrassment at past me. My greatest strength is also my strongest weakness. And I'm very good at being raw and vulnerable. It's funny looking back, and struggling to remember which guy was which. That i've so subtly written about, while being gutted that it didn't work out! haha. Thank-God His plans are better than mine! Past me and Current me actually disagree on some things I've written about before. Even though I've left some of the posts up. That's the history of me. How I became to be who I am today. I think I used to see things much more black and white than I do today. Everything seems to be greyscale now, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not for me personally- but I do think it means I'm so much less critical and accidentally judgemental.

Anyway, Life's changed a bit. I'm now living and teaching in London. Having adventures. Learning. Growing. Falling flat on my face. Crawling to Jesus feet to fix me again.  Without going into detail, I'm pretty sad at the moment. I thought God was answering a prayer of mine, and I thought I could see it all happening. But at least for the moment, it has not worked out the way I thought he was working things out.  I'm trying to stay faithful, to have trust in Him and in His plans. I'm seeking to have a deep and REAL life defining relationship with Jesus.

"I'm not satisfied
With where I've been
Though I've cried out before
Still I want more
I want to see your power
This very hour
So do it in me"

That's what I want most. I'm sick of getting distracted onto guys. Then losing my joy when It ends. I thought i'd progressed past that. But maybe not, or maybe God is making me feel that way to keep him on my heart and mind and praying for him. I'm not sure. 

Mum sent me this today, it made me cry and at the same time reminded me that Gods plans work out. 

I'll share the link when I have internet at my house as the school network is blocking "Godvine" maybe if it said Allahvine it would be okay. :)

“This surreal presence of God was just all around us, and I just felt him saying to me,  ‘see how much I love you? Do you see how much I’ve done? I’ve been writing this story you had no idea, I’ve been writing this story for years… I realized how foolish I was. How my perspective was just so skewed in my own pain, that what I saw as him not loving me, was the fact Him being the most loving he could have ever been”