I Don't Wanna Go

Last time I was broken and sitting on this hilltop, I wrote a poem (I’ll see if I can find it somewhere and insert later)

I felt so strongly that this was where God wanted me to be.
This time as I sit here, I know that God wants me to leave, and I don’t want to.

It’s sort of comfortable. I have the most awesome group of friends here that I get to work with.  I love this little village. Beach life. The kids. It’s a special place.

I’m scared to take a leap of faith. Even though I already have jumped. I’m falling in slow motion at the moment.

I guess I’m realizing more and more, my inability to fly. I can freak out and flap my arms, but the Scientist in me knows it’s not going to do much at all, except burn some kilojoules and cause increased stress.

I’ve been praying a lot about it today. And so many lyrics and bible verses have stood out to me.

A ‘friend’ once told me that people laugh at me because of the thoughts I share, and the things I say. I’m not sure if they were speaking out of hurt/anger at me and saying it to hurt me,  or it was truth. But it doesn’t matter to me. My worth doesn’t come from what people think of me. But from the God who created and saved me.  I know that when we are vulnerable we connect. I can build walls and fake who I am, but I won’t get to know you and you wont get to know me. So I chose to expose myself, because I might connect. Maybe not with you, but with someone.

Through a series of events a lot of lyrics have stood out to me and bible verses and so I’m going to share them.

I was sitting on another hilltop this morning, and prayed and asked God what I should read… I’m not sure If I decided John… then chapter 4 or If God told me to go there… Either way, I think he inspired my thoughts to find meaning in the words I read to my current situation.

48 “Unless you people see signs and wonders,” Jesus told him, “you will never believe.”

49 The royal official said, “Sir, come down before my child dies.”

50 “Go,” Jesus replied, “your son will live.”

The man took Jesus at his word and departed. 51 While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. 52 When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, “Yesterday, at one in the afternoon, the fever left him.”

53 Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus had said to him, “Your son will live.” So he and his whole household believed.

John 4:48-53

I took this as meaning, I don’t have to have a job lined up before I start downt the path I think God wants for me… but I have to start walking, and know that God is good and If he wanted me to leave (which I believe he did) then He will keep His word.

So although I want to stay here, where I sort of know how to do my job, enjoy work at least half the time, work with some incredible people and some kids who so need my love. I know that I don’t want to be here if I’m choosing not to do what God wants me to do…

“I don't want to go somewhere

If I know that You're not there,

'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.

And I don't want to walk that road,

Be a million miles from home,

Cause my heart needs to be where You are.

So I don't want to go.

So come whatever,

(Whatever may come)

I'll stick with You.

(Right by Your side)

I'll walk You'll lead me,

Call me crazy or a fool,

For forever I promise You...

That I don't want to go somewhere

If I know that You're not there”

Avalon- I Don’t Wanna Go

I know that, but it doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I wonder to myself, what if I end up at a really bad school where life just sucks 24/7, or what if I can’t even get a job… what If I’m terrible at interviewing and no one wants to give me a chance?

“Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'

"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"

Casting Crowns- Voice of Truth

So if I was able to catch myself, I wouldn’t need God, I wouldn’t have a story to tell of How God save(d/s) me…” If I could touch the bottom of the pool, I wouldn’t need 'my daddy' (Abba Father) there to be my life saver, but Jesus wants more for me than swimming in the shallow end.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now”

Hillsong United- Oceans

So I know what I have to do, I’m scared as heck but I know God is good. I know God loves me, and I know I’m safe because even though I can’t fly, or touch the bottom of the ocean, I know that God is there to catch and save me.

Oh Lamb

So true

I surrender to you

[Chorus:]

My life

(I give)

My love

(I give)

My all

Kirk Franklin, My Life, My Love, My All

My heart, my mind, my soul belongs to you.
 My love, my life it all belongs to you!

Damita Hadden- It All Belongs to You